Founder's Journal Entry

September 15, 1994: Midnight

 

The technical term for my surgery is TAH/BSO:
a Total Abdominal Hysterectomy with Bilateral Salpingo Oophorectomy

I'm reading for the first time info from the HERS Foundation and I'm overwhelmed. It's not only that I'm not alone, but I'm forced to confront the questions, "How much of what I'm feeling (tired, directionless, angry, sad) is due to not only the psychological aspects of my hysterectomy, but also the physical realities?" Who'd a guessed estrogen was such a life mover, changer and shaker?! Or that (attempting to) replacing the natural stuff with pills and creams would fall so short of perfect. I caught myself thinking as I was reading letters from women like myself both 'Yes, that's how I feel!' and 'Do I really want to dredge up all this stuff again?' obviously kidding myself that I'm getting over this or, more accurately, have gotten over it (past tense).

I want someone to ask me how I feel about this, not wait for me to volunteer and not gloss over it/me with a general 'How ya doing?' I guess it's only natural for each of us to be self involved especially when the other person's problem is not life threatening. While this probably won't kill me, it's definitely changed who I am...to both me and others.

In some ways it's encouraged me to evolve, in others it's forced overnight 'amputation by guillotine' change that I feel with every breath but because it's so IN ME, so WITH ME.

I can't see to 1. give it a name or 2. know how to deal with it. It seems so obvious to me that I'm missing my usual parts, but no one, not even Jen, really notices. I don't mean that everything that's gone was good - that horrible, horrible pain is TRULY not missed, but it became a part of who I am, who I was...how I saw myself. But unlike an actual amputation I can't see what's gone so the change in how I 'see' myself is all from an emotional standpoint.


Again, others and myself not seeing with our eyes the missing parts has both its good and bad points, but for a while, maybe a long while (I am only 25 after all!), I feel the sadness will be with me. I must now learn to perceive of Beth differently than how I had learned up until March 4th, 1994."

− Beth Tiner, SU Founder

 



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